In the middle of March this year, I became single again, after more than three years of interacting with the male species on a daily basis. Not that I have much dating experience to speak of, even if it sounds like that. Two weeks before I hit the big legal age, my history isn’t really all that impressive. I’ve had two serious relationships – the first was a HS romance that had more sinister twists than the latest season of Gossip Girl, the second one lasted for almost six months until we decided we weren’t really heading anywhere — and a couple of run-ins with people along the way, nothing worth psychoanalyzing, at least not so much anymore.
The fact is, for the first time since high school, I had all the time in the world to spend on and for myself.
The concept was so foreign to me that the first few weeks felt incredibly uneasy. You don’t just break-up with someone one night and feel like you’ve always flown solo the morning after.
Just like everything else, it takes time. Before you know it, a romantic future with another carbon-based life form will now become the exception to the rule, a possibility that now seems more improbable than converting back to Catholicism, at least for the time being. You’ll almost swear you have always operated out of whim, without factoring in another’s feelings or class/work sched, if only you aren’t teased by friends when a name comes up or if old Facebook albums did not retain out of town photos.
This summer was my not-so-rude awakening to that. While I would always have a flair for the dramatics, not even my exaggeration tendencies could make up for the fact that both of my break-ups left me in good terms with
the assholes the two men I will always love.I have moved on faster than anyone could say Derek Ramsey – thus having no need for making it seem like the past two months served as my time to heal from the horrors of my past. If anything, I’m actually grateful that at a young age, two idiots people have allowed me to share my days with them and loved me so much, even if it took every ounce of resistance not to swat my head and tell me to stop talking about metaphysics at 2 in the morning when they needed to sleep.
So where did that leave me? Well, probably the best summer ever.
Getting ‘back to the ground’, as to that song by Jamie Cullum, apparently is one of those things a person has to go through to be able to appreciate and see things clearly than they’ve ever before. For starters, it leaves you with no choice but to literally date the hottest bod out there – yourself.
I’ve always been told that after breakups, you are bound to rediscover yourself and reclaim parts you may have let go of when you allowed someone to become your better half. For me, that meant one thing that led to a thousand others upon realized. When you’re alone, you have no escape from your thoughts. You begin to think about what you want, who you want to be, the things that matter most to you.
I’ve always been independent and I will be forever proud of that. Even when I was attached, I did not really want to see them everyday – which I am sure they appreciated. I needed time alone, time with friends, with my family, independent of anyone barraging me over text message over where the hell I was and if I was still alive. The difference, then, as I have found it to be, lies in action. When you’re with someone, you have these thoughts swirling around your head yes, but more often than not they stay thoughts.
PRAXIS. A good friend of mine, two years ago, told me this is the most important word in Philosophy. A few weeks ago the same person told me that this is also what’s important in writing Poetry, Both counts, he was right.
As someone who now prides herself in operating out of whim, being able to turn visions into actions is actually fulfilling on its own. For years, I have wanted to be exposed to astrophysics, photography and even more Philosophy, to support the LGBT movement, to try out running as a sport, join a dance class for fun, travel just because the moment calls for it, meet a handful of new folks, write on impulse on any surface, try out exotic dining, and a hella lot more.
(more pictures/stories-of-what-I-am-up-to in pictures found in my FB account)
..which reminds me, I have to get the rest I need now. I promised myself I’ll finish until revisions of half of my Secularism term paper and run 5k tomorrow.
I’ll end this with a cool Lennon quote —
Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.
.. and if this is how the next few months – heck, even years! – will look like, so shall it be. I couldn’t ask for anything else, really, but these. Days well spent, each one as remarkable, if not more, than the last. ;)