One New Message

 

“Ano bang ginagawa mo sa buhay mo ngayon? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan?”

 

I am so taking this as a compliment.

 

——-

Mind you, it’s a wake-up call of sorts. I’ll get to that later, but let me get this out of the way first.

With all the love in the world I feel for the one who sent this, one could not deny the negativity implied in change. I’m one to banter, to present my case, to sway you into my line of thinking, but recently I have found the idea of that completely pointless. I have much to resolve on my own, thank you very much, and explaining to you everything I have been through is not so different from attempting to do just that, isn’t it?

The past year has been exhilarating in all senses of the word. Ever since I migrated to this blog I have done nothing but two things: rant, and resolve to do things right. It’s quite disappointing that although I am extremely proud of the strength and the adjusted disposition I think I have under my name, it’s still not enough. I have yet to prove things to myself, and I am like ‘this’, precisely because of that.

A catharsis of sorts, yes, yes, I have been proclaiming that for a while now, haven’t I? I thought it was best to start all over with a clean slate — and that’s why I cut you off, and everyone else who I believed I needed to as well. It was a redemptive effort, a necessary one at that, and indeed it yielded the much needed reevaluation I have been needing. I am still perpetually clueless, and I have accepted I am one to be confused over a lot of things because I’m not the type to resort to generalizations, but I needed that sharp slap of realization to work on things I could control and make the most of. Say, what the hell I am going to do after graduation. And, if I am going to be content with that (and believe me, contentment and Beatrice in the same sentence only works when I adhere to this).The bigger picture, the macrouniverse, the long run — all those grown-up stuff. Apparently, best way to convince yourself you’re in dire need of maturity? Much impulsiveness, much regret, much collateral trauma. Skeletons in my closet, anywhere you look.

Thinking about now, though I would have done things very, very much differently to avoid cringing in humiliation and pure disgust every time a memory comes up, I don’t mind at all. I’d say it was worth it, because at the end of the day, it is.

Ahh, optimism. Some things never change.

 

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