Retreat

You know you’re sleepy because the sounds of the world are reduced to the bare minimum and as of now, nothing exists past your bedroom. This is all there is to the universe, some furniture, books and clothes strewn all over the place. Think about how simple would life be if it really were like that.

Focus on the sound of your fingers mashing through the keys. This is the closest thing you are probably going to get to urgency and to desire. Think about other things, lest your mind, with all it’s tricks, will lay another joke of the cosmos on you and will lead you into thinking about someone oh wait here we go now I better not follow composition rules and stray from what this means to avoid that.

Find the whirring of the airconditioning unit comforting, as well as the occasional sound of page-turning because your maid is in the same room as you and she is as usual absorbed in yet another romance pocketbook. This is all. Stop thinking about world peace or that new planet orbiting around Alpha Centauri (or is it the other way around) or your duties for your org’s performance this weekend or term paper deadlines and extra credit if you pass it by tonight and hating yourself because you realize this is what you should have been up to instead or the two reports you should be working on for tomorrow to avoid further intensifying Picart’s wrath because of you cutting class one too many times — apparently, according to a classmate, he thinks that you are confident with the scores you are managing to get so you don’t really include the word attendance in your vocabulary anymore. Sigh. You really should practice pacing, in all senses of the word. A pause or two would do you good.

Realize that the non-stop writing for a given period of time – something you realize is what you are trying to do right now, something you picked up from a writing manual – is usually recommended for that first few minutes of consciousness upon waking, not when you’re about to retire. Feel stupid.

Resolve to wake up early tomorrow to get things done. Think of the blueberry cheesecake donut you love so much and use it as bait to drag yourself down to Balete Drive as early as you could tomorrow. It would be cool if your mother, when you go to her room in five minutes or so, presents you with that cellphone you have been whining about because of the PDF reader app. You love thinking of yourself as an independent woman, and a cellphone means you will have an alarm clock at your disposal.

Think about Nietzsche and eternal recurrence and overdue library books. Realize it’s not helping you to calm yourself down so you could now get some sleep and that donut as soon as possible. Now you have the weird temptation to reach for that Yalom novel you loved so much and reread it but stop regaining alertness, self, you have to get some sleep so therefore no pleasure reading tonight. Or for the next ten days, either. Ugh, you just reminded yourself of papers yet to be written. Feel pangs of self-loathing. Think about next semester and the study habits you will enforce because you don’t want this to happen again. Yes I know you have been saying that since high school but you’re 18 now aren’t you, try to put on your big girl shoes and actually follow your own advice.

Realize again that this post does not make sense but it isn’t half bad either so post it and tell everyone you’re trying to write everyday no matter how incoherent your pieces may be and how Camus will deny any relationship with you whatsoever ( you have proclaimed this afternoon that you’re his biggest fan, damn that dude writes well ) because of this blog and it’s lack of any organization or structure or style. Hear some beeping from the other room and realize your mom is probably engrossed in Fruit Ninja as usual. Get distracted by that and so prove inconsistency is really your thing, be it in writing or in real life. Realize that you would not exactly fall asleep when you’re typing out yet another angsty blog entry so finish this post, close your laptop and get into bed. You have to. There’s still about a hundred pages to read and you know you will enjoy reading, much more reporting, about them. Think about what  you want in life. Realize that yes, you are still certain about that professorship post. Decide that you like the feeling of certainty.

Ah. Donuts. Good night.

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