Nothing worse than the feeling of not being able to write despite wanting to say so much. If anything, I need to put some thoughts down once ad for all to clear up some space in my head. Been sustaining a heated interior monologue over the last few days and I am hating myself for it because despite my sophomoric concerns, I am still a staunch advocate that the rent space in my head deserves a more worthy tenant — term papers, perhaps, or that job interview, or Deconstruction. Instead I have stooped down to a superficial level, despite pretending I haven’t and I would never, by considering every angle of something apparently only I was privy to. Hmm.
Either way, said moments come and go. Attacks have been less frequent since the holy moment of epiphany yesterday, (i.e., it is impossible to mope around when you are walking down an empty road and AC/DC suddenly comes on and so your hopes for the future are nonetheless resurrected), since then I’m feeling like equilibrium is being restored in my system once again. The rest of the time, I am just too damn exhausted to even consider anything but finally, finally surrendering to sleep.
Which leads me back to my point, which I just realized I have: I am literally not able to write lately but the desire to put down words on paper (or at least, here) is just so intoxicating. This week has been completely out of the ordinary but then again being Beatrice, days don’t really have a set pattern anymore. I have been reading too much again and avoiding human interaction but I am fairly treated to random conversations with perfect strangers the whole week, which gives me so much to write about, given the wisdom I have been exposing myself into. Physically and else, I am just drained of energy despite the nightly ten hours of sleep and shots of caffeine throughout the day just by walking aimlessly around the hospital where I have been spending a fair amount of my time lately, hanging out with Papa.
Never mind zero productivity. I have had it with things I could not control, much less depend on. Right now, I am just really looking forward to a quiet weekend avoiding human interaction, as per tradition, by locking myself up in my room and working things out, in academics, in my writing, and else.