Update

Something has to be said about how well this week turned out to be. I’ve yet to re-learn how to write without having to force out the words via a ten-minute exercise I’ve imposed upon myself never mind the still-awkward bursts — but here goes.

For one, I made sure my thesis idea made sense to someone else, like my adviser for example, before I pitched it to my mother and boyfriend, which I am taking as a good thing for that must mean I don’t thrive on unconditional love and support alone anymore. I’ve set myself up for roughly three months of hard work but I’ve finally chanced upon a topic that’s both challenging and undergrad-doable at the same time. Three years ago, a boy I was interested in for a split-second asked me who the hell Nick Joaquin was and I laugh now thinking about how my entire paper’s goal is that it should suffice for an answer.

I’ve also realized that my next three weekends will be spent outside of Manila. I’ve been feeling boxed in and it’s nice to know the word someday suddenly seems so tangible. I know the geographic cure seems overrated or seems like an excuse but I feel most like myself after having been on a long journey, literally and otherwise.

I’m taking my final PE class this sem as well and it infuriated me at the start how I can manage with barely enough food and water on the mountains or hitching rides alone miles away from home but could never seem to learn how to hit a table tennis ball consistently. My professor and the varsity player he has assigned to take charge over my progress keep talking to me about control, this wonderful thing called control, repeating it again and again like a mantra I would hopefully learn to live by. I think of them as faith healers and believe them when I say I’m not so much of a lost cause.

I’ve decided to push through with SC and joining this other writing org as well, and this week practically marks that decision to act on this boredom I’ve unwittingly brought upon myself. Some friends with good heads on their shoulders talked to me about asserting myself more especially when it comes to things I believe in, that I should stop assuming people know my side of the story and stop waiting to be courted, as if the world owed me an explanation. E also talked to me about actually committing to things and making long-term plans suddenly started making perfect sense.

I’ve made peace in my own way with a couple of people, whether they know it or not, and I think what really matters is that all in all, I think I’ve finally come to the point where I see thinking in the present tense as a healthy alternative, and looking back with fondness at those we’ve lost is the best way to let go with grace.

I’m finally feeling not so confused about everything, and it’s a welcome relief.

 

 

 

 

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