Rant – The First of Many To Come


...because we all have to start somewhere, sometime.

It has been three days, but I haven’t completely figured out the WordPress interface just yet. That is just both baffling and funny at the same time. I could reformat my Linux laptop back to the factory settings and build everything up again through coding but I could not, for the life of me, adapt to this new home as easily as I should. The other day I spent about fifteen minutes just trying to figure out how to put up a profile picture here, and had to resort to a Google search when all hope was lost. Not kidding.

I guess migrating here is still perfect for that whole reinventing myself/defying limits challenge I decided to undertake a few days ago, both out of boredom and necessity, although very minimal. After all, braving the unfamiliar waters – whether it’s through getting used to a new site, school, country – is an imperative for growth. We all talk endlessly of progress and speak highly of our aspirations but are all cowards when it comes to taking the first step. To rephrase a quote I’ve read somewhere earlier, we all complain of darkness ┬ábut refrain from lighting a candle.


I haven’t written properly in a long time, and although it’s kind of irritating, I’m getting around to it. It’s not that my days are bland, truth be told the past few weeks have been the best. It has been such a long time since I did what I wanted, whenever I wanted, without considering anyone else. See, I started dating back in high school, when I was 15. I’ll be eighteen this month, and I’ve been recently unattached – as in completely unattached, not even seeing or interacting with anyone kind of unattached – for almost two months now.

The idea of being single is a completely new concept to me, there used to be always someone on speed dial, no matter what time of the day it is. Frankly, I’ve been wondering what took me so long. (Smug smile, but no offense to those who should be offended. Haha)


Just read the last paragraph and realized I’m in a place right now where I don’t really give two cents about anyone from the opposite sex anymore. That perhaps explains the recent lack of interest in my usually steady production of (pseudo-)love poems. I’m still one of those people who ‘like longing more than they do love’, though, thus my tendency to dramatize everything when the occasion calls for it.


Perhaps I should get around to reading HB 1483 right now. I promise I’ll write rant more tonight.


When it hits, it hits hard…

“Since I was fifteen, I’ve either been with a guy or breaking up with a guy. I have not given myself two weeks of a breather just to deal with myself”


–Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

An Arrow In Flight, An Arrow In Rest

I’ve always been impulsive. I was never really the type who stood on one side, weighing things out. Never did I draw up a list of Pro’s and Con’s and lugged the list wherever I went until I reached a sound, rational decision. More often than not, I’m late.. or ‘lost’ – as I prefer to call not showing where I’m supposed to be – just because something, somewhere, has caught my attention and held it long enough for me to risk everything else.

Nothing is more important to me than the adrenaline rush I get when I do something just because a moment calls for it, never mind the consequences, much more the ever-present threat of messing up things, big time. Be it a heated debate with a professor or a good friend, just because speaking out is something I wouldn’t even think twice about, or a trip out of town, or going out with a complete stranger who, as chance could put it, might as well be a serial killer on the prowl.

But that does not stop at that. Unfortunately, or perhaps, very fortunately, not being able to hold myself down means I am never confined to one thing for so long. A label or a definition expires even before people grow accustomed to it. Figuring out exactly how my mind works is a feat that’s never been accomplished, not even by myself, I must have just gotten used to it. I’ve long given up on attempting to describe myself. What I am certain about, though, is that although I will always leave myself (and people) wondering on what will I get into next, writing is the thread that holds all these adventures together.


While I would love to give this new home a beautiful story on why I migrated here from Blogspot (beatricetulagan.blogspot.com), I could not. I did so because I just felt like it. Boredom, mostly. The rest is this gut feeling that I somehow made it an imperative to reinvent myself every chance I get, especially now that I need it more than ever. Then, again, everyone does.

A few weeks ago, after not beating the deadline for the Palanca Awards, I remember making a promise to myself that May will become my reunion with writing, the only thing constant in my life. However I’ve only done so much as doodle unfinished poems and drunken thoughts on my sketch pad, and though I may look the part, I carry high standards for myself. Thus, this new blog. Aha, existence preceding essence.

Maturity and attempts at it aside, I also thought it would be best if I shower this page not only with those angsty rants and dare-I-call-them poems, but also use it as a running journal. I recently got into the roadrunning rage in Manila and somehow, after a few weeks, am not panting like a fat pig wondering why would anyone ever want to hurt themselves so much by running laps like a trained hamster.

Despite my five-year-old attention span, occasional lack of coordination skills and one too many experiments with gravity and mass (a.k.a, tripping, even while wearing slippers), I’ve gotten to a place where my body decided it needs the thirty-minute sessions every other day. Something is euphoric in running, it makes you both lose touch with reality and at the same time, revel in it. As of now, I’ve only been on the track for a month but am assured this one’s not just a hobby I take up and lose interest in eventually. The natural high after is just a bonus.

I’m aiming to finish my first 5k (and run a couple, after) by July, and my first 10k by September. After that, I’ll probably take up Kickboxing, or start hiking. Someone told me running tells so much about me, how I can’t stay idle too long.

So there. I hope this time, I’ll get to put in more writing hours in between bouts of training and school. I have two years left in college and I might as well make the most out of them. ;)